Fashion news flash: subwoofers are sexy

[Unwritten Law]

I thought this was funny in our local university newspaper.

Fashion news flash: subwoofers are sexy

Travis Doyle
Columnist

On Tuesday, scientists around the globe gathered together and made the incredible discovery that subwoofers are more than just a hip piece of technology, they also have been proven to attract members of the opposite sex.

These scientists report that the mixture of bass sound in great volume and carbon monoxide intercomposites the two to create a synthetic version of human pheromones.

These sexual pheromones are so potent that it is extremely difficult for anyone within the range of them to resist their influence, causing many to take off their clothing and throw themselves upon the cars of those who are playing the sound.

"It's all really very simple," states Dr. Norom. "You see, when solar flares bounce off of our satellites, they then shoot right down into city streets. When great amounts of bass sound and carbon monoxide are also present, they intercompose themselves and are turned into a form of synthetic pheromone."

Dr. Norom (moron backwards) continued to explain that if the other types of sound aside from bass are of equal volume, then the bouncing solar flares get confused and instead dissipate.

The only way to actually use this feat is to ensure that the bass sound is playing at a much higher volume than any other sound present.

For the average person, this means that playing your subwoofer as loudly as possible will make you appear extremely sexually attractive to members of th e opposite sex.

According to this research, a person would have to have a lack of sex appeal equal to the volume of their bass in order to not have other, very attractive people immediately tear off all of their
clothing and throw themselves upon the car. The odds of someone being that sexually unappealing are incredibly small.

The general consensus is that if someone was driving a vehicle and playing their subwoofer loudly, without getting a lot of attention, then it would imply that they are, in fact, merely genealogical human waste, and that nature has negated the effects of this pheromone in order to prevent them from procreating.

The only negative effect of allowing this information to be public knowledge is that the scientists fear that when people who are human waste try to use subwoofers to attract members of the opposite sex and fail miserably, then they might realize exactly how worthless they really are and attempt to kill themselves.

This would have a horrible impact on the community, as there would be fewer worthless people to convince to do worthless things.

In conjunction with this subwoofer research, scientists are also doing research to prove that giant aluminum spoilers, ridiculous-looking decals and exhaust pipes a small child could crawl through also increase the sexual appeal of the driver of the vehicle on which they are attached; however, there is no news on any of that at this time.

Until we know more, however, we do know that subwoofers are extremely sexy, and they will help anyone with them to be sexy (that is, unless they're human waste).

As technology develops, there is the chance that we will someday be able to understand the benefits of spoilers, decals, and enhanced exhaust pipes, but until that time, we will simply have to trust in our pop culture.

[tha123]

off to walmart to buy me some sub woofers WEWTZ0rz!

jk but lol i doubt somebody who gets lucky to have the solar flare bounce off a satelite and hit his car or w/e would have some random people get naked and jump on the dudes car... even tho most girls do that when they see me pull up

[Z3CH]

WOOOOOWWWWW... Someone is smart. I read it all and thought it was like from a news website or something an I was like no way. That's still hilarious though.

[Unwritten Law]

Its from a daily newspaper that is put out all through out the campus. I cracked up when I read it.

[Cylon]

Lol, nice find Law

I read the entire thing, and I got quite a laugh from it. My favorite part was:

The only negative effect of allowing this information to be public knowledge is that the scientists fear that when people who are human waste try to use subwoofers to attract members of the opposite sex and fail miserably, then they might realize exactly how worthless they really are and attempt to kill themselves.

[Unwritten Law]

I couldnt believe that was published....

[Superstar]

I wasnt sure whether to take that seriously or as a joke. Science studies also prove lots of worthless **** so try this on the street and see if it works. I'll bet it does. ;-)