Please, constructive,
serious critisism only.
This is an essay for American History and it's worth 10% of our final mark. I did a rough draft and obviously I need to change some things and I went over it with my teacher and she put some comments n such so yeah I'll just paste it here and if you guys could give me any help at all, that would be great. I'm currently reworking my thesis, I have it done basically, I just need the last little bit of it.
I'll also put my teacher's comments in and you guys can work off that, too. I'm not getting you to DO my final paper obviously, just help. I especially need help setting the context of my paper in my introductory paragraph, it's lacking.
We wrote this before the break and it's due wednesday, but I totally forgot the mindset I was in when I wrote this and COMPLETELY forget what my teacher's comments are trying to say, lmao.
I'll colour code the teachers comments and show you her comment at the end.
Again, any help would be appreciated guys, especially in setting the context, and the end of my damn thesis statement.
OH btw the [Foner, 15] will be removed and turned into endnotes since this is an APA, not MLA style formatted paper. And sorry but vB doesn't copy it exactly so it's single spaced =\
This essay is in the format of:
- Intro para.
- Background to your event para.
- First argument para.
- Second argument para.
- Conclusion para.
Oh, if you can't read the colour coded part of the text, just highlight it and read it that way. Colour coding her comments in to what she underlined/highlighted/circled is the easiest way I could quickly figure out on how to show what she wrote in where.
Post-9/11 and Changes in America
After 9/11, America has undergone extensive, strenuous, and thorough changes. Pre-9/11,
America only spent less than $200 million on transportation security, most of which was spent in aviation security. In 2005 that rose to a bulging $7.7 billion, with 70 percent of it devoted to aviation security [Johnstone, 3]. Three months after 9/11, some 140,000 airline workers lost their jobs, approximately 10,000 of them in the New York area. THIS NEEDS WORK SETTING CONTEXT. Post-9/11, America has been transformed to a nation obsessed with fear; this is demonstrated by new security measures and ________________ I need help ending my thesis statement.
On September 11th, 2001, at 8:46 am, the first hijacked plane crashed into the North World Trade Centre tower in New York City, and the second hijacked plane crashed into the South tower at 9:03 am. Later on, another plane hit the Pentagon, and a fourth crashed over Pennsylvania. This is the beginning of an end, two thousand nine hundred seventy-six (2,976) died in the whole incident, Americans and foreigners included.
After the 9/11 attacks, America had a drastic and massive change in their public transportation policies. Start with the basics: funding.
Before 9/11, America was spending less than a measly $150-200 million a year on transportation security. Post-9/11, however, America had spent a whopping $7.7 billion on transportation security, with 70 percent devoted to aviation security, this was in 2005. [Johnstone, 3] After 9/11, many Acts have been passed regarding public transportation. In late 2001, The Aviation and Transportation Security Act (ATSA) was passed, which established the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) which handled the responsibility of the security of all modes of transportation, including the security functions of the FAA. Later Acts were passed such as the Maritime Transportation Security Act (MTSA) and the Homeland Security Act (HAS). The Coast Guard was given lead role in maritime security, the HAS created the Department of Homeland Security, which was required to develop a strategic defense plan. T
he simple creation of multiple security Acts and all their amendments to them, to funding of all these defenses and projects, all concludes that America certainly has undergone quite an extensive and thorough transportation security change.
(I'll post her comments for this entire paragraph and just not colour code it)
Since 9/11, America has suffered great social changes, particularly in New York. A huge, obvious, yet sympathetic problem post-9/11 was the psychological stress so many people underwent. Firefighters and policemen and the National Guard, and civilians working around the clock to free anybody trapped underneath all the rubble at ground zero, and constantly coming up with nothing, or worse, with dead bodies. The simple job of rescuing the people trapped did immense psychological damage to all those working around the clock. Survey results concluded that 61 percent of those who lived within 100 miles of the World Trade Centre’s reported experiencing traumatic stress (mostly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Also, in the months following 9/11, studies show higher incidents of psychological symptoms as well as greater consumption of cigarettes, marijuana, and alcohol. Not only in adults and teens, but tens of thousands of New York City children developed a range of psychological symptoms, including night terrors (not the same as a simple nightmare, night terrors are just that, terrors, and you remember them quite vividly, whereas you usually forgot nightmares. Night terrors are also generally around 5 times as frightening as nightmares), anxiety and agoraphobia (fear of public places/social activities/in worse case scenerios,
leaving your house) (Foner, 264). Also, let’s not forget the heart of New York City’s transportation: the taxi drivers.
Muslim taxi drivers received a massive – if not the entire portion – racial discrimination, predominantly occurring in New York. Muslim taxi drivers gave free rides to victims, or related to victims of 9/11, and public service workers helping with 9/11. They still got, if not heightened, harassment and physical and verbal abuse and damage done to their cabs from these people. (Foner, 17) Not only that, but Muslims were subject to detention and interrogation from the FBI if they were the
least bit suspected of being a terrorist or involved in any way with terrorist activities. The entire time they’re stripped of legal rights including: denied bond, being taken without charge, and being held for extended periods of time. (Foner, 15) All of these instances prove that America underwent major social changes in their norms, values and beliefs. They [Americans] no longer want to travel in an airplane with a Muslim, racial discrimination and prejudice is heightened, and Americans now believe they are constantly in danger from a terrorist threat on American soil.
From racial discrimination, to unjust detention based solely on race or religion, to the gargantuan effects 9/11 had on the United States, America was forever socially changed.
Post-9/11, America has been transformed to a nation obsessed with fear; this is demonstrated by new security measures and ____________. Consequently, there are many outcomes of 9/11, some major ones include: racial discrimination brought on by fear and simple hatred of Muslims since the hijackers were all Muslim, psychological disasters, both in teens, adults, and sadly, children, and massive and extensive changes in transportation security. Now with all these changes made, Acts passed, and billions of dollars spent to make sure Uncle Sam is once again safe, why then is this constant supposed terrorist threat shoved down our throats? Are the United States really under such a threat, or does it have far bigger and greater plans under its sleeve? Only time will tell.
IMO it's a terrible ending, I'm really for some reason struggling with connecting ideas, unification, analysis of examples and transitions and ending and such in this paper. Plz help me.
Here are the colour coded comments my teacher wrote
Brown comments is: - "this informatin could be included in your paper"
- introduction should not just list factual evidence, set the context for your paper
She said I could expand my background description of 9/11 too
Greenish comment is: - "connect to thesis, what does this tell you about America?"
Blueish comment is: - "This is all repetitive to your introduction"
Her comments for that entire paragraph were:
- "too brief"
- "you should integrate all security changes, not just transportation and explain how America has been transformed"
Orange comment is: - "So what? Why is this significant to America?"
Red comment is: - "stronger"
Here's one I don't get. Pink comment is: - "include analysis"
Yellow comment is: - "revise structure"
Teal comment is: - "other examples?"
Like I said, I wrote this a while ago and her comments some of them, don't make much sense to me anymore but they prolly make sense to you. That's why I'm posting this. A lot of her comments seem basic and easy to follow and fix but for me like I said I'm really having trouble connecting ideas and unifying stuff. Sigh, plz help.
TY
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