This violent-related essay for school i wrote. Check it out.

[KS_boba]

I wrote it for a pursuasive essya projects in school, couldnt think of anything other than this topic, tell me what you think.

Violent Video Games on the Rise
Prohibition of selling M rated video games to minors has been a problem in the society for years. There are people who support the prohibition and those who oppose. Those who support it say violent video games are bad for kids. Kids should have to be exposed to sex, blood, or gore. Researchers say that violent video games increase a person’s violent behavior. Although some states have banned selling M rated video games to minors, selling M rated video games to minors should be allowed because it develops trust, its constitutional, and its fair.
Ever since the release of games like Doom back in 1996, government legislators have been accusing the violence setting in the games. From killing to blood and gore, legislators accused that players were given the chance to act out the violence unlike movies where one can only watch. Lately, legislators have been accusing games such as Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for its blood, gore, sexual contents, drug use, and much more that caused several crimes and murders. Researchers also accuse violent video games of damaging the brain. These damages can lead to violent behavior, which ends up causing crime.
Violent video games can work to the benefits of a relationship between parents and children. Parents develop trust in their children if they know that they can trust their kids by being safe. If a kid plays violent games and shows no signs of trouble, the parents may trust their kids in the future. Parents may think violent video games may affect their kids, but by after playing them, it may be pleasant to parents if their kids are not affected. Its also beneficial to the kids because their parents will not put pressure on them if they like video games. If a kid is affected by video games, its also beneficial as well because then the parents know what’s good and what’s not for their kids.
Prohibition should be opposed because violent video is constitutional and it’s lawful. Games, movies, and music, are a form of expression. Any form of expression is legal because people have the rights to create it. If prohibiting minors to buy M rated games, then that’s taking rights away from a person. The M rated sign on the box suggests that its for people 17 years or older. While it doesn’t mean it cant be sold to the younger audience, many lawmakers think that it means its mandatory to be sold to older people. It is not lawful that a law can control the decision made by a kid’s parents. It is up to the parent on deciding what is good and what’s not for their kids.
While its true that games change the fragile minds of kids. But it’s not true that it affect all kids in the United States. The crimes committed by kids should be blamed on their parents rather than the game. Most of the kids who commit crime that was accused on video games are under the age of 17. Because of this, there should be no accusations made on games because of the “M” rating. It is the parent’s fault for not observing and noticing the change in behavior in their kids before its too late. By warning the parents in the first place, its obvious that it’s the parents who made the wrong decision. It is also not fair to punish the whole younger audience just because several people did not abide by the law. These kinds of people are rare and a minor problem considering how much young people there are in the whole country. Generally, punishing a crowd isn’t fair when only one person is causing the trouble.
Legislators are not right in terms of ways of dealing with violent video games. They are sticking their nose in everybody’s business, blaming problems on the whole society instead on the ones who caused it, and violating the constitution. No matter which perspective to look at their way of dealing with violent video games is not the right way. Violent video games is a family’s business, not that of governments. The government is not being a democracy government if they dictate the choice of the people.

[Sidewinder]

Wow. That was AMAZING!!!!! No good, privacy-invading, political *****s trying to wreck the U.S. by doing unconstitutional things. What next? Guns are illegal? The people who are for that need to find the official number of people registered in the NRA. *censored* THE ESTABLISHMENT!! The government needs to work instead of idviding the country in two between Democrats and Republicans. Two GIANT groups with different opinions. Find some peace or change the government.

[OTTER]

Not bad :D used prohibition quite a few times, but that's ok....


IMO, you need a big, strong, and clear concluding sentence at the end, something....powerful, clearly stating the message you want to get across, then it's perfecto. Other than that, good stuff.

[sgp]

very nice :D plus, i love that avatar

[xa]

Nice essay, but it failed to meet the 800-1000 word ideal.
Also I suggest you use http://www.wordcounter.com/ and http://www.m-w.com and try using a bit O' diction while your at it :D
Good, but room for improvement.
Final Grade: A(If you wrote anything coherent you get a C)
EDIT: You also forgot double spacing mrgreen:

WORDCOUNT BY FREQUENCY:
games 22
video 15
kids 14
violent 12
parents 11
because 8
people 8
m 5
rated 5
legislators 4
minors 4
trust 4
gore 3
it’s 3
made 3
blood 3
prohibition 3
fair 3
behavior 3
whole 3
government 3
selling 3
what’s 3
years 2
violence 2

[RadioactiveMan]

It's not too shabby. When I read the subject, I expected some stupid essay with no thought, but I was quite pleasantly surprised. I recommend making sure that the paragraphs are indented when you hand it in. I think that the forum automatically gets rid of indents, so maybe you already did that. Another good thing to add would be a thesis statement. Besically, in a thesis statement, just say what you're going to talk about. It's literally that simple. You shouldn't have a problem finding thesis statements on the internet if you want to see some examples.

[KS_boba]

I did all thatt double spacing and indenting but when i posted on this site, it became like taht i dont know why, by in my saved Word file, it looks good.
And Otter, can you give me an example of a strong sent. cuz i cant think of one!!!GRRRR

BTW, I have a thesis:"Although some states have banned selling M rated video games to minors, selling M rated video games to minors should be allowed because it develops trust, its constitutional, and its fair. "
Its there but hard to see, it states the 3 points im arguing.

[breath of life]

I think you should add something like " Besides I kid should be able to tell between T.v (video game or not) and real life. As we all know a video game system has a re-set button. If you look on a human you could chek for days on end and still never find one. If people are so worried about childern buying the games then why dont they actually take a part in it? All they would have to do is put a warning screen while the game is loading (just like at the theaters) saying that this in no way real life, and should be treated as a game.

As foryour concluding sentence it should go like this. *clears throat* SOCOM 2 FOR LIFE *****, YOU AINT EVER GONNA STOP US!!!!!111!!!11!!1!1one!!!!

[KS_boba]

LOl, i wish i could put soemthing like that but this essay is serious and it wont be based on IMO. Although i included a little. BTW, have u sent me an invite? Send me at international my name is Westsidekilla, ty.

[Jalil]

Bad essay. You just stated your own biased opinion and took nothing else into account. In addtion to that it's not particularly well written. D-.

Prohibition of selling M rated video games to minors has been a problem in the society for years.

You start out with an untrue statement, and make no attempt to prove it. No real problems have been caused by this. Only minor things like you not being able to buy whatever games you want.

Violent video games can work to the benefits of a relationship between parents and children.

I seriously doubt that. Imagine playing GTA with your parents. Would they be impressed with your skill as you beat the hooker to death and steal her money? Or hope you grow up to own a porn studio just like like the one you own in the game? I don't think they would.

Parents develop trust in their children if they know that they can trust their kids by being safe.

Backasswards sentence. It says that parents devolop trust in their kids if they know they(reffering to the parents) are "being safe." wtf mate?

Prohibition should be opposed because violent video is constitutional and it’s lawful.

Slavery was lawful once too. Just because something isn't against the law doesn't mean it's good. And really, it's not lawful, because the law is that minors aren't supposed to buy these games without parental consent. But that it is legal to create anything like this that you wish.

If prohibiting minors to buy M rated games, then that’s taking rights away from a person.

Outlawing murder is "taking rights away from people," but no ones bitching about that. It's never been a minors right to buy games rated M, just as it's not their right to buy alcohol, drive without a license or get a license to drive before their sixteenth birthday. It's because things like these are privileges, not rights. 11 year olds dont need to buy liquor because their dad can, drive the car because his dad does, or buy M rated games because his dad can.

While its true that games change the fragile minds of kids. But it’s not true that it affect all kids in the United States. The crimes committed by kids should be blamed on their parents rather than the game. Most of the kids who commit crime that was accused on video games are under the age of 17. Because of this, there should be no accusations made on games because of the “M” rating. It is the parent’s fault for not observing and noticing the change in behavior in their kids before its too late. By warning the parents in the first place, its obvious that it’s the parents who made the wrong decision. It is also not fair to punish the whole younger audience just because several people did not abide by the law. These kinds of people are rare and a minor problem considering how much young people there are in the whole country. Generally, punishing a crowd isn’t fair when only one person is causing the trouble.

That is exactley why there are ratings on the games and minors cannot purchase some of them. It is up to the parent to decide wether their child can handle any particular game, or other media. The fact that the game may cause behavior like that, and that it's the parent that needs to prevent it is why the system is in place. Not why it shouldn't be. The alternative gives the parent no control. They wouldn't be allowed to tell their child they can't buy a certain game, the child would always be able to buy it anyway no matter what the parents had decided.

Violent video games is a family’s business, not that of governments. The government is not being a democracy government if they dictate the choice of the people.

Again, the ratings system isn't in the wrong here, they're doing exactley what you want. Making it the familys business. If little timmy wants to play M rated videogames, the government doesn't hand it to him as long as he's got cash, they make sure he has full parental consent by only selling it to him with a parent present and agreeing.

So, your essay sucks. It's filled with biased and misinformation. Based on false presumptions. And asks for what has already been given, wich is decision by the parents, not anyone else. If the government didn't legistlate games like this they would be taking away the parents power to say no, and by doing this would have to shoulder alot of the blame for the consequences instead of the parents. The only reason it doesn't get an F is because atleast you voiced your opinion, wich is enough to keep it from a failing grade.