Beer Surpasses Dog as Man's Best Friend

[Cylon]

Smooth Operator - The Champagne of Websites

Beer Surpasses Dog as Man's Best Friend
By Kris

For years, dog has unequivocally been considered man's best friend. They provided companionship, love, and protection to all and sexual gratification to a twisted few. In a pinch, a dog can even provide for a filling meal or by slicing a dog open and covering yourself in it's entrails, a dog can keep you warm through a cold winter's night. Such great dogs such as Old Yeller, Lassie, and Benji to a lesser extent reinforced the notion that cemented dog firmly at the side of man.

Over the last ten years, alcoholism in the United States has grown at a rate even faster than the growth of Barry Bond's head. Due largely in part to the fact that beer is so great, it has for all intents and purposes become man's new best friend, relegating dog to simply a good buddy that has a serious drooling problem who likes to drink out of the toilet and chase squirrels.

"If Timmy were trapped in a well in this day and age, he would probably crack open a six-pack and keep drinking until he forgot he was in a well," said local bartender Keith Michaels. "People don't confide in their animals any more, they come down to my bar, drink their problems away, and leave with some woman who looks like Mickey Rooney wearing a blue dress and a wig."

As beer purchases have risen in the past year, with the average American household purchasing over 16 cans of beer each week, the purchase of dogs has lagged severely behind. Many animal shelters are forced to euthanize dogs because they cannot find them homes but party stores are frequently having trouble keeping enough beer on the shelves for their many drunken patrons.

"A man might go out one night and buy six, twelve, even twenty-four beers, but chances are that same man won't even own two dogs in his lifetime," said convenience store clerk Jeffery Bean. "A man will then spend all night with his beer, but he's lucky if he spends one hour a day walking his dog."

Recent unbiased polls taken by us support our theory. 9 out of 10 people asked at our local bar indicated they would take a beer over a dog. 7 out of 10 indicated that if they were attacked by a bear, they would rather drink their fears away than have a dog try to protect them. 5 out of 10 felt that beer was the only one that understood them. Finally 4 out of 10 people expressed concern that our questions were taking time away from their drinking.

When considering if dog or beer is man's best friend, perhaps that most important question to ask is that if you want to go out and have a good time, which do you take, a beer, or your dog? More often than not, the answer these days is beer.

I got a big kick out of this article, especially since there are so many problems in this world, people are conducting studies on irrelevent things. Whatever, I guess we could all use a laugh every now and then. Move over dog, here comes the Beer!


I know now a days that beer and gaming seem to go hand in hand, so is anyone esle up to par with this statistic:

As beer purchases have risen in the past year, with the average American household purchasing over 16 cans of beer each week

[RadioactiveMan]

American households consume 16 cans of beer in a week because they need their eight glasses of water somehow.

[Allstar]

No one in my household purchases beer or liquor at all. Now my uncle, He could drink 20 beers in a day with ease.

I guess people use it as a getaway, personally, some beer is nasty.

[A_A Infantry]

i have two dogs, and my parents both drink(they arent drunks though). but i could believe that article. a lot of people think drinking could help, but the next day you walk up with a headache and a very man-ish woman

[ODIN]

Originally Posted by A_A Infantry

i have two dogs, and my parents both drink(they arent drunks though). but i could believe that article. a lot of people think drinking could help, but the next day you walk up with a headache and a very man-ish woman

Don't blame it on the beer. Maybe you wake up with manish women because you're harboring some dirty little secret you need to come to terms with. In vino veritas.

Finally 4 out of 10 people expressed concern that our questions were taking time away from their drinking.

Now that made me laugh.

[RickTheRipper]

Beer's overrated. It basically kills you in a very slow manner. I'd rather have the company of my dog compared to a stumbling, mumbo jumbo speaking, fat, drunk b@stard.

Even though they are fun to talk with in the mirror.

[UnknownSubject]

My dad is addicted to beer. Dying from it, so I can see how it is on the rise.

[RickTheRipper]

I know 6 alcoholics.

4 are dead and the other 2 are on their way.

[Negative Creep]

Originally Posted by RadioactiveMan

American households consume 16 cans of beer in a week because they need their eight glasses of water somehow.

Then what's the excuse for Canadian households drinking as much as they do in a given week?


Also... nice article, Cylon! Good stuff!

[RadioactiveMan]

Our natives bring the average up, Creep. They keep their stomaches full of beer to protect it from the whiskey.